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Wednesday, Dec. 8th, 2004
I am mildly thrilled to report that the Haggis-on-Whey Automated Question Answering Machine has greatly diminished the pile of reader mail that has long overfilled our garbage cans. That said, a few determined letters have made their way past all my defenses. If it weren't for the fact that the next experiment on my list is a rather unpleasant one (involving the effects of room-temperature chicken on public bus seats), I'd ignore them altogether. But today I'm rather happy for any excuse to postpone.
So.
From: "Lisa"
Subject: Hi Dr.!
Hi, I am medical and I am wondering why the stomach secretes acid. Can you help?
My dear Lisa,
I am sorry to report that stomachs do not secrete acid, rather they secret (no "e") it. Stomachs are very shy, and they secret away many, many things. Explore the hidden folds and cul de sacs of any stomach, and you'll be surprised at what it's been hiding from you. Acid, yes, but also tinfoil balls and shopping lists, romantic candles and remote controls.
I suggest you try typing more carefully next time. And check your teeth ... what is that, a poppyseed?
With insurmountable fondness,
Doris
NEXT!
To: The Haggis-on-Wheys
Subject: Dilemmas, romantic
Dear Dr & Mr,
I have a romantic dilemma, the resolution of which can only benefit
from your empirical erudition.
Miss R. is tall and fit with big eyes the color of morning North
Atlantic skies, writes like Dorothy Parker and has psychotic episodes.
Miss B. is not tall or so fit, has wide blue eyes, writes like a
Policeman making a report, and is very reliable and devoted.
Who is best?
Pensively,
Eduardo
Hello Eduardo,
Since you addressed your missive to the both of us, I'll let Benny take this one. (I'll be oiling my shins.)
BENNY SAYS:
Hi!
R and B? Do you have some P? That's the best kind, an RPB. I have to go now because there is some buzzing in my ears. Usually that means a number 2.
LOVE,
Benny
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